I think most of us when we come across the term ‘interpersonal conflict’ would naturally picture a heated debate between two people. However, the term encompasses more than that. It also includes bottling up feelings and avoiding confrontation, be it between two people or in a group.
While understanding that conflict can be constructive at times, the situation gets a little more complicated when it comes to dealing with a person of higher authority, for instance my aunt.
I will visit my aunt at least once a year in Malaysia. She is known to give negative comments which at times make me feel bad and uncomfortable. Although she meant it for our own good, the way she delivers her suggestions are quite uncomfortable to the ear. Especially if we are in a group, her comments will often leave us in an awkward predicament. For instance during the recent Chinese New Year dinner in a restaurant, she will advise us against eating a particular dish on the table which she deemed unhealthy. Throughout the dinner she pulled a sulky face as she was dissatisfied with our decision to eat out.
Most of us have learnt the ‘art of ignoring’ what she says as we know there is no point in arguing since she is very adamant on her stand. Moreover, I am not on the same level as her in terms of hierarchy which makes it even harder for me to confront her. So how will you respond to her negative comments if you were me? (ignore? confront?)
Hey Vee Nee,
ReplyDeleteIt's often difficult to confront senior family members, particularly if the family sticks by traditional Asian values which, more often than not, elevate senior family members above rules and criticism.
Based on your description of the conflict, I would ignore it while it was happening at the restaurant. However, I would try to speak to her privately, to let her know that her actions have caused discomfort/awkwardness. If she responds negatively, I would then try to approach someone of the same status as her (eg. parents, an uncle) and ask them to talk to her.
Of course, all these suggestions have to be carried out tactfully, so that your aunt doesn't feel like she's being reprimanded for her good intentions, while making sure she doesn't "lose face" by being criticized in front of the entire family. I know it's easy to say, but doing it is a completely different matter! =P
Hi Vee Nee,
ReplyDeleteI can relate to many parts of your blog post. Family members are especially difficult to confront or even talk to at times as you want to make sure you don't step on any toes. Like Keefe said, there are so many rules and vaues we have to follow, making it doubly hard to have open conversations with elders without any conflict.
I guess you would want to handle this situation tactfully because she's family after all and you can only see her a few times a year. I suggest finding out why she always comments negatively from another family member who knows her better? That might shed more clarity on her behaviour.
Also, you can try reasoning/asking with her why that particular dish is healthy/unhealthy, why she doesn't like to eat out; in short paying more attention to her opinions. Of course, this depends on whether her character allows for such discussion; if she's as adamant as you say, I would just ignore her :P
Hi Keefe,
ReplyDeleteThanks for your reply. Yes, I agree with you that traditional Asian values play a part, especially the part on ‘losing face’ and being subservient.
Initially I used to feel bad when she passed negative comments, but after awhile I got used to it, knowing that this is her character. And most of my family members respond the same way as I do. Hence, I doubt if anyone with the same status as her would seriously confront her as well as they may feel pointless.
Yes, I agree that being tactful is important. Actually I wouldn’t mind asking her in private the reasons why she is being behaving this way and perhaps tell her tactfully that it is quite inconsiderate to others. I just need to find the right time to do it, which may be difficult as I only see her a few times a year. Nevertheless, thanks for your suggestions! :)
Hi Amanda!
ReplyDeleteYes, confronting senior family members can be difficult at times. And even more so if they are someone you are not particularly close with.
I’ve asked my father before whether she behaves in this manner since young and he replied ‘No’. He is also not very sure of the reasons. But thanks for bringing up this suggestion; perhaps I can ask someone else who knows her better. :)
Well, because the dish was very spicy to her, and being extremely health conscious, she would prefer to cook and eat at home. That’s why I mentioned that she has good intentions such as wanting us to be healthy but it will come across as forceful if she doesn’t communicate it properly. Anyway, it’s not a really huge problem, it’s just an issue. She can be quite nice actually, and I still respect her. :)
Hi Vee Nee,
ReplyDeleteThe situation you have shared is one tricky situation. Like what Amanda and Keefe has mentioned, Asian values have taught us that "talking back" to our elders is inappropriate. This adds to the difficulty of solving such issues in family.
If the situation is unbearable, I think that you can approach an elder and share your thoughts with him/her and have him/her to talk to her. Of course, the person must be able to put across the message to her tactfully.
Regarding the eating out issue, maybe you can share with her that since CNY dinner only happens once in a year, eating out is fine and wouldn't be too damaging to your health. You may also share her with that cooking for the entire family may be too tiring on the ones who are preparing the food, so eating out may be a better idea. Also, since it was a rare gathering you may also tell her that enjoying the occasion as a family is most important.
I believe that such family situations are hard to handle, especially when you rarely get to meet them.
If her complaints are still bearable and doesn't cause too much unhappiness, I will choose to ignore. As family members, I believe that we can be understanding and try to accept her behavior as long as it doesn't get out of hand.
Hi Pei Zi,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment and suggestions. I agree with your point on accepting her as she is as long as no intense damage is inflicted. I think very often we have the tendency to be quick to judge others without a thorough understanding on the person. Thus, avoiding interaction with that person would also be a form of interpersonal conflict arising from misunderstanding.
I think when we know someone well enough, their weaknesses which may be intolerable initially will eventually make room for understanding.
Cheeers